I'm going to be very honest with myself here because some events have happened over the past few days that have left me pondering a question. Has there ever been a point in my life that I didn't like myself? By that I mean not liking all of me. It's more just being upset about a decision I've made or hating a hair style that I had. Have I ever truly hated the person that I was at any given time in my life?
I can honestly say no. I never hated who I was in high school or in my 20's. Even though I feel sorry for the little girl that I was, I am not sorry that I had that experience in life. I think everything is just that--an experience. You live your live and try to make the best decisions. You try not to hurt anyone or yourself and in the end hindsight is 20/20. You take your lessons and move on.
For the bulk of my childhood, I was the picked on girl. I took my lumps and never said a word. Then when I was finished walking around the playground alone, I'd go home, cry, get up the next day and do it again. Never did it cross my mind to stand up and say that I'm not taking it anymore. But I don't hate myself for not making that decision. I think my imagination really grew during those times. That was my escape from the world.
In high school, I did everything that I could to be an individual. I wore striped nylons. I stopped curling my hair before anyone else did. I listened to my own music and I was me, take it or leave it. I wasn't always the happiest camper, but I was damn good at writing poetry.
I think I also grew a heart and became political. Recycling and animal testing were big issues for me and I even arranged a one woman dissection boycott. I'll say that I wasn't always the best friend to have. Not because I gossiped but because I was so used to being independent that sometimes I'd just take off by myself.
While I've heard so many people say, "I don't like who I was in high school," I have to say that that girl, that woman in training, is the crux of who I am today. I like her. I think she was fair, honest and forthright. There have been no big changes in me. I have to say that what you see is what you get. It's always been that way and it always will be.
Now that I'm older and I'm settled, I'll admit that sometimes I'd like to be less cynical. My words can really have an edge to them if I want them to. I need to watch that because I never purposefully set out to hurt people--sometimes it just happens. Does this make me hate myself? Not in the least. I just need to shut my trap a bit more. I also think that I think some pretty messed up things sometimes--more than anyone really knows. I'm not sure that I mind that, I'll just have to make sure that I really stay quiet on those things.
As for the shape of me, I'm holding no grudges and I'm moving forward. Though there is improvement to be had, I like who I am and I like what I'm poised to become.
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