I took a year offf from writing. Actually, if you want to get right down to it, I took a year off from life. Call it a breakdown, a tear down, or a rebirth, it is what it is but what it wasn't was easy. For one year, I questioned everything about who I am, what kind of mother and partner I am, and where I was headed. It was like my whole life was torn apart in one fell swoop of someone else's creation. (I'm not going to say what happened because I have been accused of being too upfront with other people's involvement in my life. I will just say it was something I never expected or wanted and something that I tried to avoid.)
In this past year, I found out that I am not super woman. It took time to put the pieces back together and parts of me are altered forever. I learned that people will speak and others will listen regardless if what is being said is the truth or a rumor. That's why it's important to know what the REAL truth is and to trust that the closest of friends will accept this and know this no matter what. Speaking of real friends, it becomes very evident who they are when in a time of crisis. I have a new friendship that was born out of this event and my new friend is one of the closest that I've ever had. Two of my oldest and dearest friends also supported me in their own way. I love them for that and they know exactly who they are.
My family has been a blessing in the past year. I expected some of them to have a problem with my personal crisis but none did. Rather than run away, they scooped me up and have been the perfect support system ever since. It's been so valuable to me especially since I hadn't had any good contact with them for a time.
So now here I am, a year or so later, on the other side of a life changing event. And yes, I am changed. I am a lot more guarded with all parts of me and I realize now that I am not the easiest person to deal with. I have a lot of self doubt and a scar on my heart that stings all. the. time.
But I have other things too. My love for my son has tripled tenfold. My patience and enjoyment of his craziness has done the same too. I've learned to love me--all of me--even the bad parts and I've learned that I don't need to have people in my life that don't feel that way about me.
I am in love with my life and I'm the happiest that I've been in the past five years or so. No one can take that away from me. No event can destroy my true spirit. I know that now. It feels as if I've been tested by fire and I'm beginning to come out the other side.
Am I perfect? No. Not even close. I'm not all the way better either but I'm trying and every day it's a bit easier.
I gave up a lot of things to try to save what I had. One of those things was writing--especially in this blog. I gave it up because I lost my words and the ones that I could access were hurtful. Instead of living in that, I just stopped. But what I didn't realize that stopping was giving up a part of me.
So I'm back. I'm here and full of ideas. I'm changed but I'm here.
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