Go Be Awesome in the Rain

The day that I became acutely aware that I was about to become a single mother, I rolled myself into a ball on my bedroom floor and sobbed uncontrollably for what felt like hours.  It was my moment of grieving for the loss of so many things--my marriage, what I thought was the love of my life, my best friend and the security of having a partner.  I wasn't only grieving for me, though, I also grieved for my son who was now getting a split home and all that comes with it.  Looking back on that day, it truly was the worst one of my life to date.  I was in so much emotional pain that I hurt physically and I didn't know if I would ever be able to pick myself off of the floor.  In fact, I was pretty sure that I was going to die right there.

Of course, I didn't die.  I think I wanted to but I didn't.  Even though my heart was shattered into a million pieces, I was still able to draw breath and I was still alive--though a shadow of the person that I was.  Eventually--more for my son than for myself--I had to pull myself off of the carpet and move on.  Those first few days of existing were killer and I learned a few lessons that I use even today.  My mantra was "fake it until you make it."  A smile was plastered on my face and I gritted my teeth, determined to pull through all of this if for no other reason that that I had to for my boy.  I'm not going to lie--I took some medicine to help me pull through those moments but I also have to say that every day I put that look on my face, I felt a little better.  Pretty soon, I was able to find small things to be happy about (sometimes it was just that a squirrel was in a tree) and not long after that, I learned that I am one strong momma.

I'm not going to lie, being a single mom is the hardest thing I've ever done.  I have two speeds--on and off.  Drew is with me half of the time and when he is here, I am everything.  Not only am I the chief cook and bottle washer, but I'm also the video game player and fixer of all things.  I've learned that I can carry up to fifteen bags of groceries while balancing a child on my hip AND fix a broken toilet shortly after.  We start at the crack of dawn and run nonstop until bedtime like all moms do.  I have to say, I LOVE just about every moment of it too.

My son is amazing and he says the most profound things.  When we are together, I try to suck in every thought that he has because I know that in a few days, he won't be with me.  I save up all of his thoughts for those days that Drew is with his dad.  Since I split custody, there are more of those days than I really want.  When he's not with me, I get profoundly sad.  It's like a part of me is missing.  Because of that, I try to stay very busy when Drew isn't here.  Still, it's never busy enough and my whole life feels off.

Life is still not perfect, though I don't believe that anyone's is.  There are things that I haven't figured out yet and most of the time, there's a load of something that needs to be done.  The air hasn't worked at the house all summer.  It's harder without a man to help with some of the things I need like changing light bulbs.  Yet, we survive, I think sometimes for no other reason than there is a list of people whom I don't want to see me fail.  Also, I'm too darn pigheaded to completely fall apart.

Yes, there are still moments where I feel as if the world is ending--like the whole month of August.  But, they pass and usually on the other side, my boy is waiting to be snuggled.  It is Drew and I against the world and with him as my partner, I think that we could accomplish anything.

In the past few years I've begun keeping a journal of quotes that motivate me.  There are pages and pages of lists of words such as Abbi Fede, which is the Italian translation of Latin for Have Faith.  There are many a days that I write that on the inside of my wrist as a gentle reminder to myself.  Also written down are little ditties like "Strive for progress not perfection" and "I truly respect people who stay strong even when they have the right to break down."  But my true favorite and the one that has dictated how I'm currently living my life is as follows:

"You don't have to wait for the storm to pass, bro.  GO BE AWESOME IN THE RAIN."

My life is never going to be even close to perfect.  I'm always going to be clawing my way through something and most of the time, it feels as if I'm drenched in the downfall of one storm of another.  But, here's what I have figured out: if I wait for things to fix themselves before I try to live my life, I'm always going to be waiting.  So, even in the storms of life, I try to find times to play in the puddles.  I have to, not only for myself but for my son who is counting on me.

Plus, I know that he is always next to me, holding the umbrella and that in and of itself is a reason to pull myself off of any carpet and to keep on fighting.