Disclaimer: What you are about to read is an accurate dipiction of the events of last Tuesday. I must warn you that it is filled with disdain, sarcasm and horror. More than that, I am NOT exaggerating in the least, I promise you. I am not one to kiss and tell, but some things are too good to let go.
Anyone who knows me knows that I am a single mom. And, anyone who is alive knows that being a single mom sucks. It is not something that I asked for. When I got married at 20 years old, I did so thinking I would stay that way forever. I also brought my son into the world with that same thought in mind. Now, I'm going it alone and there's nothing wrong with that but sometimes it's hard being alone in the world. In no way am I looking for a father for Drew here, but it really would be nice to have someone for me.
So, in an effort to find a new someone special, a long time ago, I began to take some steps. I've dieted. I've run hundreds of miles--so many, in fact that I once sprained my tailbone. I've grown my hair out. And now, in my most desperate effort I've joined (sigh) Plenty of Fish--or as my poppa refers to it--Piece of Fish.
I have been on this website before. I had a fair amount of success so I thought I would go again. I reinstated my membership, put up a picture and dropped my line. There were some nibbles. Some were scary. Some were okay and one showed a tad bit of potential. He was a local boy and I have to say I've had luck with local boys. So, after some texts and a phone call, we decided to meet for dinner on a random Tuesday.
But on a Tuesday, in a cafe (Earth Dog) it did NOT begin again.
Picture if you will, an audition for Duck Dynasty minus the horrendous beard. That's what greated me in the parking lot. He came wearing a camo hat and a long john shirt and had a thick accent. He was nice enough and we walked up into the restaurant together and picked a back booth. It was only when he smiled that I noticed that perhaps he had some dental issues.
You know, I'm willing to overlook some of these esthetic issues if someone has a stunning personality, so I just smiled and set myself up for a good conversation. And then he pulled out his cellphone and showed me a picture of a giraffe and uttered these words: "You know, I'm not trying to be gross or anything, I'm really jealous of this giraffe's tongue." And in that moment, I lost myself. I had no words. In fact, I snuck into the bathroom to emergency text my friend. In all fairness, she did text me back but I decided to give him the courtesy or completing the date--black teeth or not.
After that, he showed me a plethora of more images that continued to blow my mind. There was a deer half eaten by a wild animal, pigeons standing by a sidewalk, and Fonzy's jacket from the American History musuem. He informed me that he asked if he could take that home and was told no. Honest to God, I'm not sure if he was joking or not.
I ate my grilled chicken salad for an hour and a half and then made my excuses. It was--after all--a school night and I still needed to exercise. He paid the bill with his camo Mastercard that he was so proud of and we left the restaurant. Halfway between the two cars--his Blue Polo cologne overpowering my lotion, I thanked him for dinner and he pulled me into a hug, of which I only returned with one hand. When he went to kiss me, I turned my head to the side and thanked him again for dinner before rushing away.
When I was finally in my car and alone, I began to feel emotion what I felt surprised me: I was mad. It wasn't at blind date boy because he was doing the best he could do. No, my anger was at all of the boys who came before them. For a moment, I was fighting the urge to hunt down and hurt a whole string of guys. How dare they leave me in this vulnerable situation where I'm having to look at giraffe tongue?
And in that moment, when I was ready to heave proverbial--and perhaps real--stones, I remembered something. Every time that I've fallen in love, it's been just that--falling. It hasn't been forced or because of fishing. It wasn't me looking or something that I put on my to do list.
Instead, feelings grew into love because of a note thrown into my locker or because of a picnic in a park. It began when a nervous boy threw his arm over the back of a chair while I was in the bathroom or when someone from my past stepped on to my porch and made three hours feel like three minutes.
Love--or even a relationship--cannot be forced and I'm realizing that. I'm done fishing. I'm just going to hang back to see what happens. Things will happen organically the way that they are supposed to happen and I need to be open to that. Perhaps I'm single right now because I have some growing and changing left to do. I know that I'm still not happy with my physical appearance and that is something that I'll continue working on (after I get some fried pickles, mind you).
As for wanting to throw stones at all of my past relationships, that's pretty much over. Things end for a reason and here's where I won't kiss and tell because I respect each of those guys way too much for that. But, I guess from each of those experiences, I have to find the good, throw out the bad, and move on.
For now, I'm left in the place where I always am: Drew and I against the world and you know what? It's okay. We will be okay. What will happen when it is supposed to happen. Isn't that what I'm being taught here?
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